"Hoo's Hoo?"

So, can you tell our twins apart?

No? Maybe look from a different angle.

Still no? Twin on the left is getting concerned.

Might even cry about it.

Okay, you can relax. Because the truth is, we can barely tell the twins apart ourselves. Twelve weeks ago I was sure I'd be able to tell them apart easily by now but they are pretty much, well, identical. Each baby has a little red birthmark (Jude on his eyelid, Joshua on his left side) but they are hard or impossible to see in pictures, or in Joshua's case when he's wearing clothes. So...use the pacis. Works for us.*

Joshua and his monkey on the left, Jude and his giraffe on the right.

*Yeah, we know, soon they'll be able to grab each other's pacis. If Jude's birthmark fades by then we're in trouble.

Twinsanity

Goodness! I have not meant to let blogging go so completely by the wayside, but it has. Blogging, like so many other activities I used to enjoy, requires some measure of uninterrupted time and mental focus and, well, those are lacking these days. I have always felt pretty good about my ability to multi-task but lately taking care of the twins is consuming just about all my physical and mental energy. And this is with Zach home for the summer! I don't even like to think about what daily life will be like come late August....

A few weeks after the twins came home Zach and I talked about life with twins so far and we agreed that it was easier than we had been expecting. The babies slept so much so pretty much all we did was feed them, change their diapers, and let them sleep. And they'd sleep anywhere which was convenient. But sometime last month (probably not too long after their due date) they woke up to the world a bit and found their fussy voices. Specifically at night. Most evenings have consisted of several hours of on and off crying from both boys, despite holding, rocking, feeding, swaddling, administration of gas drops, Gripe Water, etc. Every parent knows how hard it can be to listen to an inconsolable baby. Two inconsolable babies...you can imagine the difficulty. One Sunday morning one of our pastors exhorted us to remind ourselves of all God has done for us in the past. The only thing I could think of was "Well God, you didn't let me jump off a building this week." One particularly terrible night I remember praying through my tears "Lord, I don't see how this shows goodness or kindness to me but I know You are good and kind so please help me!" And I didn't go jump off a building that night so obviously God's merciful hand was on me. :) But seriously, I knew having twins would stretch me and my faith in new directions and it sure has.

But (written in a very hopeful voice) I think we may be getting over that phase. It has really helped me, by the way, to remember that Esther went through a similar stage at just about the same age and it didn't last long in the big picture. The last few nights have had much less crying and our days have been smoother too. I think Joshua and Jude are starting to give us more recognizable cues when they're ready for a nap and as long as we respond quickly they take nice little naps in their beds. Thank you, Father, for this mercy!

There are more things I'd like to blog about but that will have to wait for another day. (So sorry, Esther, I did not do a birthday post for you. Aunt Megan says it's not too late--I'll try to get on that before your third birthday.) So here are a few pictures until I can manage more.

Jude (Good thing the paci is visible; that's the main way we
tell the boys apart these days! Keep the paci nearby and
nobody gets mixed up.)

Joshua (Man, these babies are cute!)

Little mirror images. Jude is on the left. I think. Let's call it 95% sure.

Austin and Esther enjoying the view from Grandpa's "tall office
building." More about our visit to Grandma and Grandpa later, I hope.

More of My Four

We found ourselves with four freshly bathed* kiddos on the bed this morning and the camera within reach. Cuteness ensued.

Esther was in a more cooperative mood than last week

She even smiled!

That's Jude in red and Joshua in green, by the way.

Hey, can I hold a baby, too?

Joshua is not super thrilled that Mom and Dad agreed to that request.
But the big kids were trying to soothe the babies really sweetly.

Bonus pictures of the four, not together or necessarily freshly bathed. :)

Esther with "pink baby" and "purple baby." I know, our creativity in naming
leaves something to be desired.

We finally bought Austin a helmet for the trike
he got for Christmas. It is Cars themed so of course
he looooooves it.

We don't usually co-sleep the twins but we tried this out yesterday
during a nap to see if it will be feasible to just take one pack n play
on our upcoming trip. Sweet babies.

*Freshly bathed didn't last long. Before you're a parent you think you'll be dealing with behavior issues like arguing, not picking up toys, etc. No one tells you your biggest struggles might include a little girl who lets her milk/juice dribble out of her mouth and down her shirt. Over and over.

Photo Op x 4

Oops, have I really let a month go by without blogging? Let's just say twins keep you busy. Right now I am holding fussy Jude with one hand, typing with the other, and now Joshua is fussing too on the bed beside me. And that pattern is applicable to so many of our daily activities, blogging being among the least important: attempt to accomplish something, stop to calm Baby A, resume activity, stop to calm Baby B, resume activity, give up because Baby A and Baby B are yelling.

But I just can't resist posting some pictures from a little photo shoot we did this morning because I think the kids' personalities came out so well. Austin's and Esther's at least; we were quite pleased that the twins stayed still and sleepy most of the time. We were trying to get a picture of all the kids for a frame that Zach's mom gave us, by the way.

Esther is, shall we say, strong-willed? We asked the big kids to lay down
just like Austin is doing...so she got on her knees very deliberately. Austin
is not always cooperative, but he responds to bribes. Gummy candy for him.

Then she eventually decided to lay down (gummy candy for her!) but notice she
is NOT looking at the camera, despite offers of more candy.

Tired of being on her tummy, she's sitting up again. Austin looking kind
of bored.

Well gosh, if Esther is determined to sit up let's try it with both big kids. I'm
acting silly off camera and one of my kids is amused. Esther resolutely decides
she will not look up once again.

She can't resist a look, but apparently she can resist a smile.

Don't remember how but Esther finally gives us a cute smile! And of course
Austin has a funny look.

This is Austin encouraging Esther to smile and look at the camera. Gee, I wonder
why it didn't work.

We try a variation of our original pose. Pretty cute, actually, except that Joshua
is getting restless. He actually rolled toward Austin a few seconds later--our
yard has a downward slope to the fence.

Back to the original pose once the babies are settled again. This might have
worked except Austin's hands are by his mouth in all the shots which looks
kind of weird. I think he was trying along with us to get Esther to say funny
stuff. I'm pretty proud of how cooperative he was here.

This is actually one of my favorite shots. 

So is this.

Sitting up again. What's this look?

And finally, this is the one going in the frame. They may not be looking at
the camera, but Austin and Esther both look happy and natural. We'll take it!

Mother's Day Thoughts

From the closing lines of Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovic: (I know I've said it before, but mommies, you really need to read this book.)

Blessings, like children, are not ethereal and weightless. Sometimes they feel like they come at you like a Kansas hail storm--they might leave a welt! But if you accept your lot and rejoice in your toil, God will give you the kind of overwhelming joy that cannot remember the details. Motherhood is hard work. It is repetitive and often times menial. Accept it. Rejoice in it. This is your toil. Right here. Those are their faces. Enjoy them. The days of your life are supposed to be full of things like this. But joy is not giddy. It is not an emotional rush--it is what happens when you accept your lot and rejoice in your toil. So rejoice in your children. Look them in the eyes and give thanks. You will not even remember the work of all this planting when the harvest of joy overwhelms you.

Being pregnant with the twins (meaning being sick, tired, and/or huge) for much of the past year, I have really struggled to find joy in the hard work of motherhood. So often it just felt like I was managing to stay alive, let alone teach, discipline, or nurture anyone. But after a month of bed rest and the back-and-forth-to-Johnstown NICU time (and the limits these things put on time with my big kids), I am rejoicing in this toil once again. A few years ago I had no children; now I'm a mother of four! Four amazing little souls to love and by God's grace, to help mold into His image. What a privilege.

This little boy seems so grown up these days.
Life with Austin these days is all about making good
choices, thinking of others, respecting Mommy and
Daddy's authority...and lots of playing with cars and trucks.

Miss Independent wants to do everything
herself...and usually manages. She's equally
happy playing cars with her brother or feeding
her new babies. To say she has a mind of her own
is an understatement.

Still getting to know these precious tiny boys. They love
to snuggle. They don't particularly like getting their diapers changed.
They are more alert than our other newborns have
been (not that you can tell from this picture!)  They're thriving on
a steady diet of milk and love.

Swing Batter Batter!

Zach and Austin bought a t-ball set this afternoon. Pretty exciting stuff for a four-year old boy. He seems so big these days! Wasn't he my baby just yesterday?

Gotta love this baby, too. She has just learned to jump and actually leave the floor; I believe this picture was taken as she was demonstrating for Daddy.

Twin Test #1-Fail

Just for fun this morning Zach and I asked Mom to place the twins on the bed out of our eyesight, then we came into the room and attempted to identify them. I had felt like I was starting to notice enough differences that I would have a better than 50% chance of guessing correctly. So we came in and looked...and looked...and they really looked alike. After a few minutes of careful study Zach and I revealed our guesses. We guessed the same. We were both wrong. Oops.

So it's a good thing they haven't outgrown the hospital bracelets yet, huh?  For the record, Joshua is on the left and Jude is on the right.

Under One Roof

Today our family of six is at home together for the first time! The boys made great progress in the last few days and by Tuesday the doctor and nurses were hinting that our homecoming would be today. I stayed overnight at the hospital again Tuesday night so we could make sure they were gaining weight after being breastfed exclusively for 24 hours. Then car seat checks, hearing screenings, some paperwork, and we were on our way by lunchtime today!

On the way to get their pictures taken in the hospital. Joshua
on the left, Jude on the right.

After putting them in their matching outfits, I started getting really nervous about telling the twins apart. When I look at them side by side they seem slightly different to me but I can't really put my finger on how. So if you were to bring me one twin without the other for comparison, I have no confidence that I would know which one he was. I'm sure that will come soon enough but for now...well, thankfully the hospital left an ID bracelet on each baby so we've got cheat sheets, so to speak.

Can YOU tell who's who?

So far the boys have spent their time at home doing everything babies are supposed to do: eat, sleep, poop, snuggle. Joshua and Jude are pretty good breastfeeders for their gestational age (at least according to the NICU nurses) but they do tend to get tired pretty quickly. I worry a lot that they're not eating enough. But the hospital arranges for a home health nurse to visit you, so in addition to our pediatrician visit next Monday we'll have a nurse visit us tomorrow and maybe once over the weekend to weigh them. That's very comforting.

Austin and Esther seem to like their new little brothers, although I see the struggle to get attention beginning already. Sorry kids, this is the new normal. Austin likes holding a baby and Esther really likes their hats. She is just starting to put two words together, so "baby hat" is a phrase we've heard many times today. Cute. :)

Austin holding Jude

Sweet surprise when we got home. Not sure why Austin was grumpy.

Grandma and ... Joshua?

Mommy and ... Jude?

Wide awake Jude, sleepy Joshua

Holding hands. Awwwww.

Twins Update

Hard to believe almost a week has gone by since the twins were born. Time goes by very fast with daily trips back and forth to Johnstown, lots of pumping sessions while I'm at home, trying to squeeze in a little time with our big kids.... Without a doubt this time around the NICU experience has been easier because we basically know what to expect, but that doesn't exactly make it easy. I'm sooo glad to be off bed rest and yet I hardly have time to do a thing; we're still relying on my mom to keep the house running and the big kids fed and clothed. I am getting very anxious to have those babies home. Life will still be crazy but craziness in one location is better than craziness in two towns 45 minutes apart.

The boys are doing better each day. Joshua stayed on oxygen through a nasal cannula for only a day or two and has been breathing room air since. Jude needed to go on CPAP for a few days but is now getting O2 through a nasal cannula; hopefully that will disappear in a day or two. Joshua was allowed to start nursing on Wednesday and has done a bit better each day; he latched on for about 15 minutes continuously last night, practically a normal newborn feeding! So nice. Jude nursed for the first time yesterday and is still figuring things out, but the nurses seem to think it's quite normal for his gestational age. The boys get the rest of their nutrition through breastmilk delivered via a nasal tube; their IVs were removed this morning. Zach and I are actually staying overnight at the hospital this evening to give them extra practice breastfeeding because being able to nurse and gain weight is probably the biggest hurdle they'll face before coming home. Hopefully my milk supply will pick up in the next day or two. With last night and tonight's increase in feeding amounts, I am no longer pumping as much as they need. They may need to be supplemented with formula (hopefully only temporarily), which is really tough for me to accept. I am sure all the stress I am putting on myself about not pumping enough is not helping matters. Sigh. Like I said, this is not an easy experience.

Now that Jude's CPAP mask is gone, we've had more opportunities to look the boys full in the face and get to know them. We think they look more alike than a few days ago. Their hair is darker than we first thought; maybe dark blonde like Esther and me. But otherwise we've had comments that they look like Austin and we're inclined to agree. Let's see:

Joshua
(sorry, we don't have a good picture of Jude by himself
up close--all the extra tubes and wires have kept us
from holding him as much as we hold Joshua)

Jude and Joshua
(When we put them next to each other this
evening we started getting nervous about telling them apart
once all the medical apparatus is gone--they look pretty
similar, huh?)

Austin
(Boy, he looks chubby compared to the twins! And he was
less than seven pounds.)